Booknotes Questions to ask to know another person

Lists of conversation starters #

In the book How to Know Another Person, David Brooks gives many suggestions for how to ask meaningful questions. If you dislike small talk, and are ready to be warm, real, and human, get ready to "listen" like David, with the following 54(!) questions.

Questions he got from therapist Mary Pipher, page 41 #

• Isn't it time you forgave yourself for that?
• when you and your parents are close again, what will you want them to understand about this time in your life?
• How do you treat others?
• How does that make you feel?
• How do you make them feel?

Pipher's philosophy as a therapist: Vulnerable, love-seeking people sometimes are caught in bad situations.

Ways to invite someone to talk, page 74 #

• Listening is a binary act. Like pregnancy. Give attention as an on/off switch, not a dimmer.
• SLANT is a version of the above: sit up, lean forward, ask questions, nod your head, track the speaker.
• Be a loud listener. Consider Oprah Winfrey - listens like she's trying to burn calories doing it.
• Favor familiarity. Avoid the novelty-penalty. You won't go wrong mentioning the club logo on their shirt or something close at hand.
• Make them authors, not witnesses. People aren't specific enough when they tell their stories. Be the editor to their story submission. Ask "where was your boss sitting when she said that?"
• First ask for the same thing, but as a story. Then go back for a playback and get their feelings during that story
• Don't fear the pause. You may have to hold up your hand, to get the person to pause at the end of their statement, to hold the space, for at least a beat.curiousity
• Do the looping. "So to clarify, this was a bad thing? You're saying XYZ..." They may clarify. Or just nod Yep.
• Conversation is midwifery. You are not there to give birth, you are there to get the other person to deliver a cogent, choate narrative. The candidate for the job talked to her Quaker Clearness Committee. She gave so many complaints that they made her realize: "There are easier ways to get a big name plate on your office door."
• Keep the gem statement at the center. It may be necessary during divergence to come back to the part you both agree on and gin up further enthusiasm for your mutual bromance on this part before resuming the "discussion".
• Find the disagreement under the disagreement. At heart, what are we really disagreeing about?
• Don't be a Topper

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Ask questions like a journalist page 85 #

• Be broad and dumb like Condeleeza Rice with David Brooks
• NO: why do you do shameful thing xyz? YES: Tell me about the last time you XYZ'd
• How did your folks choose your name?
• What's a good way to spend the rest of my life?
• Can you be yourself where you are and still fit in?
• What crossroads are you at?
• What would you do if you weren't afraid?
• If you died this year, what would you regret not doing?
• If we meet a year from now what will we be celebrating?
• If the last decade were a chapter what would it be about?
• What are you most confident about?
• What's working well for you right now?
• How do you relate to your five senses? Which of your five senses is the strongest?
• Have you ever been solitary without feeling lonely?
• What has become clearer to you as you've gotten older?

A special kind of conversation: fighting! page 117 #

• Step back, say out loud: how did we get to this place? I certainly didn't mean to do this.
• Try to re-identify the mutual purpose of the conversation.
• Weirdly, now that our hearts are out on the table, we share some exposure. Maybe we're a little closer now.
• In emails especially you can respond to emphasize respect and curiosity when you find yourself being pushed onto your back foot.
• Labels are the opposite of respect. Labeling is a great way to render the other person invisible. And destroy a complex topic. You're tossing them into a bin of disrepute.

Paradigm is the enemy of story page 216 #

• NO: What do you believe about X. YES: How did you come to believe about X?
• Tell me about the person who shaped your values most.
• Where'd you grow up?
• When did you get the notion to spend the rest of your life this way?
• (What are your intentions and goals?) I'm not sure how to really ask this ?

Your story, not a story p 218ish #

• You can't have a stable identity unless you take the inchoate events of your life and give your life meaning by turning your events into a coherent story.
• You can know what to do next only if you know what story you are a part of.
• You can contextualize present pains if you know what the five year plan is.

The Life Tasks, after Erik Erikson page 193 #

1. Imperial
2. Interpersonal
3. The rut - achieving mastery (usually in 30's and 40's)
4. The generative
5. Achieve integrity and avoid despair

These questions are so great, and precious, I felt like Brooks was giving away the shortcuts that a master like himself worked hard to accumulate between the Wall Street Journal, NY Times, and his current projects.

(David, never teach the secrets of the Wu Tang Clan!) LOL.

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